April 19th-21st, 2002

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Hash Trash
Thanks to everyone who attended and made TXIH 2002 such a roaring success!!!

C2H3 Hash Trash #69
Texas Interhash 2002 – The Mexican Donkey Show!
KOA Kampground, Lake Corpus Christi, Mathis, Texas

So, there we were. Just a few hashers getting together for a lightly attended event held every year since Blue Balls was a swimming semen! Texas Interhash 2002 – The Mexican Donkey Show!!! That’s right folks, if you’re reading this trash to find out what happened, then you were either too drunk to remember what you did or you weren’t one of the 246 hashers who attended a most awesome event!!!

It all started Thursday night with the Texas Interhash Pre-lewd Pub Crawl. This party was so big that we had to have it in two cities. Our northern exposure friends in San Antonio hosted one, while BLUE BALLS, hared the "Welcome Back GAYLORD FOCKER" extravaganza in Corpus. Both events were filled with horrific displays of hedonism. Acceptable hash behavior if you ask me! Too bad I wasn’t there to see the drag show at the Velvet Room. I heard GUAMARHEA BALLS was right up front stuffing dollar bills ($3 BILLS?) down gender-confused panties all night! It was a disgusting sight for anyone sitting too close. GUAM, in his defense, claims he wasn’t there. But it was a Drag Show. How would anyone know? But DUDE, WHERE’S MY DICK? and DICK THE BOY WONDER couldn’t wait to get on stage for themselves!

From the Velvet Room, trail leads behind the Gay Bar to the now-famous landmark, The Cum Dumpster. Where else would you have a Cum Dumpster but behind a Gay Bar! After a few nectars were retrieved from their blue metal home, the group of about 30 horny hashers head to Sharkey’s for another kind of inebriated fun. Then it’s over to Q’s for about 50 pitchers of nasty nectar. Colorado Hasher RAGGEDY ANUS is wondering just how much more nectar he can handle. They’ll soon find out, because we’re off, like a cheap prom dress, to Angie’s bar. God, those bar maid’s are H.O.T. After ARSE VICK and PRISON PUSSY exchange numbers with one of the many toothless maids, we meet up with CHEMO, and DILDO DIVA from Corpus, and HELP ME WITH MY ZIPPER and SMACK THE MONKEY from Albuquerque. They must have made a wrong turn somewhere! Soon, it’s all too much for FULLY LOADED and California hasher PIGGUS DICKUS to handle, so it’s back to the coolest Blues Bar in South Texas, Hash Friendly "Doctor Rockitt’s" for Reeeligion. It’s a wonder BLUE BALLS puts out…I mean, puts up with us!

After we put everyone to bed with each other for the night, and agree to meet at the Eat Out Pecker Checker Breakfast at Kiko’s, it’s time to hash caravan to the official site of the Mexican Donkey Show, the KOA Kampground in Mathis, Texas. Where else can you find a secluded campsite, surrounded by shiggy, on the water, and filled with terrified and aging Winter Texans! Nowhere, of course, which made it a perfect site for our event…Thanks again to Robin and Linda Sergeant who handled everything from the cabins, to tent sites, to feeding us on time! You guys are AWESOME!!!!

By the time the early Corpus hashers showed up, DFW hashers, PUSSY TAIL and CAVEMAN were already assembling the Beer Cave and preparing it for a tough weekend workout. As soon as the finishing touches were complete, the trailer was plugged in and it chugged (chuffed?) to life, bringing the empty box to a chilly 32 degrees. Hashers started arriving one by one, in cars, vans and on bikes. One that I was most happy to see was Corpus Biermeister TWAT DID YOU SAY, who’s beer truck was carrying a trailer full of Sacred Nectar to supply the quaffing needs of thirsty Texas Hashers from all over the world. With 45 kegs of Miller Genuine Draft, Miller Light, Killian’s Red, and Texas-brewed Shiner Bock on hand, there was no way we were going to run out!

With PECKER CHECKER, NICE PAIR-A-KEETS and COCK SHOT handling the registration and handing out a goody bag stuffed with an incomprehensible amount of goodies (including not one, but TWO hash shirts; TXIH hash mug, printed hard name tag, TXIH 02 license plate cover, TXIH whistle, and a butt-ton of other shit), things were already well underway. But, soon COCK SHOT would assume other duties, that of hated hare for the first official event of the weekend, the Early Wanker Trail!

Corpus and TXIH02 Official RA – CHEMO officially got things started by lining us up in a circle for a brief chalk talk while COCK SHOT and her secret impromptu Albuquerque hare of SMACK THE MONKEY made their way in the deep shiggy. After a few moments of explaining the Corpus trail signs to those with feeble memories and alcohol-induced forgetfulness, CHEMO releases the group of nearly 175 hashers who are now in hot pursuit of COCK SHOT’s tiny shorts. They may not find her shorts, but they will find a shiggy-filled trail that’s stocked full of surprises that have become a trademark of the Corpus Hash!

First stop, not 500-yards from camp, we find a delicious group of harriettes who are ready to satisfy the needs of the pack. An eclectic group of hash houses gather, led by Corpus’ DILDO DIVA, San Antonio’s TEKILL-YA TITS and Albuquerque’s HELP ME WITH MY ZIPPER. Seems like I remember San Antonio’s JUNGLE PUSSY in there somewhere, but maybe it was my point of view. Hashers lined up 20 deep to quaff their sweet nectar while lying back and drinking from a taco, which was delicately placed between the legs of the aforementioned harriettes. Man, I wish I was a taco, but drinking from one was good enough!!! I thought Houston’s HOOTER BILL would never get from between those lovely legs!!!

With our nectar needs satisfied for the moment, we continue on trail down to the point, with intersections placed to disperse, confuse and slow the pack to a non-competitive pace. Trail suddenly turns to the left and drops the hounds into patch of thorny shiggy. The whines of the San Antonio hashers become unbearable as they complain about a little mesquite on trail. Soon, their prayers are answered, with EASY CUMS doling out nectar to the thirsty hounds. As usual, Houston Hasher, HERSHEY HIGHWAY, leads the pack of the competitively inclined. As usual, they see the beer stop, barely acknowledge its presence, and continue on trail. No clue needed for these wankers! They’ll find a trail, or Zen back home. For the rest of us, we’re content to drink!

With so many hashers, trail was easy to find. Just follow the blue marks of hastily laid carpenter’s chalk, up through more shiggy and into the main campsite near the KOA Office. Non-hash campers are packing up their rigs and checking out in record time. Our antics on trail, still mild by hash standards, are enough to send some Winter Texans back to the frozen Tundra.

Soon, hounds find another sign from trail. In a clearing by the railroad tracks is SCUBA STEVE, providing the nectar in a most unusual manner. You see, it seems the South Texas heat has overcum her, so she’s taken drastic measures. She’s decided to take a dip in the Margarita Pool!!! Thirsty hashers have to drink from the kiddie pool that she’s cooling her coolie in! How cool is that?!?!?!

On back toward the camp, we take a detour to the north for more nectar. This time new named Corpus Hasher RIM RAIDER and San Antonio harriette TROJAN WHORE team up to dole out chilled beverages, much to the enjoyment of Houston’s two dogs, POUND PUPPY and PUPPY PRICK.

Back into camp, the crowd gathers for an impromptu Reeeeligion, presided by RA-CHEMO, which ends just as a dinner of burgers and dogs is served up by the KOA staff. After chow, Friday night Greg Gibbs and the Blues Operators entertained the crowd of lightly clothed wankers til way past midnight, scaring small furry woodland creatures, who were planning their revenge on the pack the next day.

Saturday arrives way too early. As a matter of fact, Saturday arrived while we were still partying Friday night! We were all just too drunk to notice, or care, for that matter. But as the weary wankers slowly stumbled around the campsite and made their way up for a bagel breakfast, something was afoot in the lower sections of the camp. A sordid group of evil hares was conspiring to inflict damage and personal injury to the heartiest of hashers. Weeks had ticked by in preparation. Landowners consulted, maps drawn, beer stops and intersections discussed, and more importantly, trails practiced over and over, much to the chagrin of the hares’ body parts. Now was the moment of truth. Would their trails stand up to the test? At the end of the trail, would we have 246 happy hashers or weary wankers hopelessly lost on trail!!! We would soon find out.

As the clock struck 2 p.m….ok, it’ was more like 2:30, the hares of RANGER SMURF, CHEMO, GUAMARHEA BALLS, LILY VON SCHTOOP, BI-VALVE and HARELIP DOG secretly scamper out of camp, following and covering COCK SHOT’S trail marks from before. But soon, our sordid group turns right, into the marsh, and through deeper shiggy, to show the true hashers what south Texas and Corpus Hashing is all about!

Along the marsh front we run. All of the sudden, pack whistles are heard in the distance! Have ten minutes passed already? A quick check of the clock confirms. We are in deep trouble. Up to the railroad tracks and to the South, where an unconventional trail sign greets the hounds. True trail signs lead in all directions, with a Beer Near sign only 20 yards away. However, those 20 yards would only be a taste of the shiggy to come. Now for some hashers, any amount of shiggy is too much. A group of about 30 decide that the thought of a wait-a-minute vine shredding an expensive competitive running ‘get-up’ is too much of a risk. So, the whole frigging group of them turn back, walking along the train tracks back to camp. OK, whatever. But hell! They didn’t even make the first beer stop!!!! Arrrgggghhh!

For the heartier hashers, their perseverance for beer was rewarded by DILDO DIVA and NICE PAIR-A-KEETS providing a tasty adult beverage on the side of the F.M. 3024. From here, hashers had a choice. Continue through another 9 or 11 miles of impassable shiggy for the Long and Ball Buster Trail? Make a six-mile jaunt for the medium trail? Or they could take it easy and go home fairly unscathed on the baby trail (laid especially for BLUE BALLS!) For those of weak mind and strong body, true trail went back across the tracks, yes, back through the 20 yard shiggy block, back up the 60 degree train embankment and back through the shiggy on the other side. On the other side, through the oak trees, a clearing could be seen. "Hey, this trail ain’t so bad," says Houston’s DICK THE BOY WONDER.

But that ain’t no clearing! That’s a swamp that has hashers up to their armpits in the muck and mire. Corpus Hashers LABIA OF THE RINGS and COP BLOCKER are not happy campers. About 50 yards across a small stream, they get an all too short break, up on dry land for a minute, over a barbwire fence and back into the swamp. Another 100 yards deeper in the swamp and trail turns left, following the orange tape trail marks. Through the water they go, about 75 hashers in all, braving the brackish waters on trail. Soon, the trees and swamp grass clear, and hounds are faced with a deeper section, still passable on foot, but tough on the legs due to all the underwater hazards. Up on the embankment on the other side there’s no break. Shiggy here is deeper and thicker than anywhere on trail so far and conspires to bring the pack to a stop while they look for a way to pass.

Once they find a way though the thorns and bushes, they are greeted by a nice, clear dirt road…oh, and an intersection. Right, Left or straight through for more shiggy. Where to go? What to do? Luckily, trail goes along the road for a bit, before dropping back into more shiggy through a heavily wooded area which puts the hashers on their hands and knees until they get to a drainage pipe under the train tracks. Through the four-foot pipe to another culvert, this one is guarded by a desiccated and rotting goat that’s been dead on trail for months. Hell, Houston’s GREAT KAHUNA looked better than this dead goat. But I hear the goat was a livelier lay!!!

Through the culvert and across the fence for our first taste of the BAR 101 Ranch. Rancher, and virgin hasher COWBOY STEVE, made sure we had access to this 3600-acre exotic game ranch. Luckily, all the hunters were to keep their shotguns and rifles holstered and give the mule deer, apex, elk, zebra, and red deer a break for the weekend. Over the fence, trail immediately turns to the right, over the highest portion of this section of the ranch. This should be a good thing. Give hashers a vantage point, right? Maybe get a clue where trail will lead??? Nope, only clue they get is how hopeless Zen-ing will be. Stay on trail or get eaten is the call heard throughout the pack.

An unmanned beer stop a mile up the ranch gives pack another choice. Turn right for more torture, or left to end the misery and head back on the medium trail. Well, at this point, the medium trail looks like it leads into more dense shiggy. Many, needing a break, opt to hop the fence for the Long and Ball Buster trails. Through the tall grass, down along I-37 to an endless culvert which goes beneath both sides of the Interstate and the access road to the other side. For about 500 yards, hashers crawl or stoop through the dark culvert to the other side. But once through that horrendous obstacle, they are soon faced with another. A beer stop. Oh, they just have to climb a 12-foot-high fence to get to it!!!

With Corpus hashers SCUBA STEVE and LARRY, EH? as Nectar Nannies, hashers are complaining loudly of the under highway crossing. Strangely, DFW’s CAVEMAN wasn’t one of them. Seems he took the overland route. Refreshed and filled to the rim, the pack is off like a light on Leopard Street. Shiggy, to this point has been relatively light. Now the pack is on a steady up hill climb on a fence line road. Is this all there is? Can’t these wanking hares come up with something a little better than this? I mean, this is easy!!!! (Heh, heh, heh…just you wait and see!)

About a mile up the road, down a gully, and back up another 30 degree climb, we get another intersection, the third one on this straight jaunt along the fence. We’ll just cruise past this one just like all the others. But wait. On the other side of the hill is a BT – BAD TRAIL! Now what? Off in the distance, a small sliver of orange tape hangs from a thorny branch. Is this a sign? Wait, there’s another. A few yards beyond is another. ON ON!!! Let the shiggy begin!!! What seems like miles is only a few hundred yards. Shiggy is so dense that trail marks are placed within sight of each other to ensure no one is left behind in the 92 degree heat. Even San Antonio’s DOGGIE STYLE and KIMCHEE CAB DEELIGHT are slowed to about a 3 MPH pace. As they break through a clearing and run up a hill across a fence, they are soon thrown back in shiggy for more punishment, which is just what Corpus’ CUM KWIK KENYAN likes. The brush gets even more dense as hounds are again forced on their hands and knees, or risk ripping their torsos by the 3-inch thorns. These hares must be punished!!!

Soon, a reprieve. A windmill is seen above the shiggy. Trail breaks into a clearing again, with RED FORESKIN and the other hashers finding themselves at an unmanned beer and water stop. A few take a dip in the cool, bug-infested water tank before heading off again. Only a few yards beyond, and we’re back in shiggy. This time going up hill too! After miles of this, they won’t have enough blood left to be accused of giving blood on trail. More shiggy, and more after that, until, finally off in the distance to the North, a saintly sight! Is it G coming to the rescue? No, it’s COCK SHOT, Supreme Beer Bitch, on scene to nurse the wounds of the wicked and dole out needed nectar. CAVEMAN arrives first, while others stumble in one by one. Is this the On-In??? NO!!! It’s another decision point. East is the Ball Buster, West is merely the Long Trail. GAYLORD FOCKER, thinking she said ‘Long Tail’ heads that way. At some point, COCK SHOT conspires with the hares to send everyone on the Ball Buster when one of them says they never found the swamp! AHA, you short cutting bastards!!!! Now, everyone’s a Ball Buster!

Trail goes on and on, until they return to COCK SHOT’s beer stop and start their long journey home. Along the caliche road, past the cattle guard, then to the left where the orange tape disappears into the shiggy. Soon, a gate is seen, as the wankers depart this hated country and cross back over I-37. The end must be soon!!! But just on the other side of the overpass, True Trail arrows drop the pack past a ranch house and back into the shiggy! These guys can’t get enough. Thankfully, RIM RAIDER and TROJAN WHORE are again doling out nectar to the thirsty hounds.

It’s been a long trail, and there are many happy casualties. The last one to COCK SHOT and JUST KEVIN’s beer stop, GROUP SEX, refused a ride, only wanting to finish on two feet. A true hasher, she was…

Now let’s all go back to camp for….REEEEEEELIGION, again with CHEMO presiding. After a ton of down-downs and accusations, we all stumbled back up to the outdoor kitchen, where the KOA staff was ready with the Brisket and all the trimmings!

With the sun finally tucked away for the evening, and the local law enforcement banned from the property, the more timid hashers (were there any?) finally were able to let their hair down. In the case of Houston’s HOOTER BILL, that wasn’t a problem.

The skits were the first bit of entertainment for the evening, with ROTTEN CHERRY as our Mistress of Ceremonies. I can guarantee that she was the only sober one in the bunch. By the time MOLECULAR MAN took the stage, all hell was breaking loose. And what really whipped the crowd into a frenzy was my personal favorite, "TITS ON PARADE, featuring PIGGUS DICKUS’ artwork on the lovely LABIA ON THE TABLE, OPEN WIDE, EASY CUMS, and a couple of others…You know what they say, once you’ve seen two, you’ve seen them all! Another crowd pleaser was the Kill The Bunny intermissions. But the winner of the evening was Austin’s CHERRY POPPER and her ‘New Shoes’ gang. That song, I’m afraid, will leave an impression on me for a while! Whew! But we can’t forget, (or can we) our friendly Canadians, Larry, Eh?, Moe, Eh?, and Curley, Eh?, who provided a dramatic insight into the twisted mind of Edmonton’s finest…Good luck you guys!

As luck would have it, the beer soaked evening continued without stopping. The highlight was the Mr. And Miss Texas Interhash pageant. And since I was too busy wanking in the bushes to watch all the festivities, I’ll turn it over to the RA for that part of the evening…

Congrats to the 2002 TX Interhash Royalty:
Mr Texas Interhash: Red Foreskin
Ms Texas Interhash: She Mussel Bitch
Mr Nude Texas Interhash: Fuzzy Wuzzy
Ms Nude Texas Interhash: Trojan Whore

... (I remember a) BJ being used successfully as a bribe by Trojan Whore to win Ms Nude TXIH

As RA of the nude hash, I have to say it's difficult to judge the noise level between chants (for PMN) and screams (for TW), especially when the screams were on my good ear side.  I didn't receive any bribes (other than JungleP's ear grab when retrieving my beer)... although MINUSCULE slut slinger *did* ask me to speed things up [something about no one wanted to see 7 hot (and naked) harriettes out in the circle], and that the crowd favorite was clearly TW....  maybe he got the BJ?

I demand a recount...  JungleP, LostHerP, and TrojanW; let the bribes begin.

Of course, Slut was the judge for the Mr Nude TX Interhash, and I heard rumors that Fuzzy used a BJ successfully to bribe that judge.

On-On,
I Spied Her Goods; Some Hash In Texas (SHIT H3)
Big Gulp; DFW H3

I’m glad someone was taking notes. Of course no one could forget the Shooting Star Hash hared by Corpus’ EAR FUCKED, with NICE PAIR-A-KEETS doling our her famous jello syringe shots! And GAYLORD FOCKER, haring the FULL MOON NEKKID HASH. After all that, newly named SCHLONG JOHNSON provided the entertainment on the Karaoke machine until 4 FRICKIN 30 in the FRICKIN morning!!!! But that was all too much for some harriettes, as SLICK 50 decided to climb in bed with COCK SHOT for the evening. When COCK SHOT tried to tell her she was in the wrong bed, SLICK’s reply was, "No I’m not, zzzzzz" And SCUBA’s all pissed and jealous now!!!

Can you believe it’s not over yet?!?!?! Hell, we’ve still got Hash Olympics with LILY VON SCHTOOP and ROTTEN CHERRY finding victims for the Slip and Slide Oil Luge, Creamy Taco Licking and of course, Refried Bean Wrestling!!!

But, ya know it wouldn’t be a hash in Corpus if we didn’t have a Knuckle Dragger Motorcycle Hash. As the first regularly scheduled motorcycle hash, (Note: Tidewater was second) and with the blessing of Flying Booger, our two wheeled hashers take to the road. First time Knuckle Dragger, RIM RAIDER, provides this account:

So their I was,

Poppin my virgin Knuckle Dragger Cherry at the TXIH as a Sweeper in a four wheeler instead of having a Whore, errr horse, strapped between my legs. Guess the old gimp leg gets in the way of "riding" . SPANKIN’ GRANNY was to good to ride bitch behind ROTTEN CHERRY, so he makes a run to C2 for his own ride and brings back JUST ????. GAYLORD and BLUE BALLS review the map of the trail for a nice jaunt around Lake Corpus Christi so CAVEMAN and (insert the name of the other two out of towners, think they were from AUSTIN) can hit the real road. We are taking bets on how quick we will be lost on trail with those two haring.

 Off we go in a cloud of TXIH KOA dust, with SCUBA STEVE riding bitch with BLUE BALLS, and GAYLORD on CHEMOs bike leading the way, CAVEMAN, SPANKING GRANNY, JUST ????, Austin Bubbas ????, ROTTEN CHERRY with CHEMO on Bitch and RIM RAIDER sweeping up the mess, and leaving COCKSHOT who was waiting on her keys.

 We are on the highway, just getting into the rhythm and yep, you guessed it, 5 minutes into the ride we are doing a check back cause BLUE BALLS says we missed the turn. On through the rolling hills, the road getting smaller and worse…can this be right…finally, GAYLORD stops two little old ladies and asked them where the hell we are how to get where we want to be. What do you know, it’s a YBF. We crank it around and head (who said head) back to whence we came. CHEMO, riding bitch on ROTTEN CHERRY loses his TXIH knoggin knob which the sweeper knabs as we high tail it back. We blow throw our first CB…could it be we are on true trail….looks that way.

 After enjoying some wonderful scenery we make the first pit stop. CAVEMAN tries to help (insert the AUSTIN rider) fix his head light, it aint a ride less someone breaks something, using a bolt from CHEMO’s bike. No one was surprised when CHEMOs part came up short (just ask DILDO DIVA). Following a duct tape repair, with CHEMO deciding to ride in the Golden Nectar Mobile, we head out to the marina ROTTEN CHERRY leads us Rubber Side Down Religion. Then on to Mathis, where SCUBA STEVE, leaving a huge wetspot on the back of BLUE BALLS bike, joins the merry sweepers crew for a return to KOA while all the rest set out for their own dog houses.

On-On

Rim Raider

Well, I think that’s about it. If you’ve made it this far, then On-her to you. I want to take this time to thank all the hashers who traveled to Corpus, including folks like Ms. CHEEKY from Canberra, Australia; FLY-N-TWAT, from the Manhattan, NY hash, PIGGUS DICKUS, from Presidio/Monterrey, BIG PROBLEM and NO PROBLEM from Malaysia and a host of other hashers who came from near and far. I also want to thank some folks who couldn’t make it. Namely Damn Near Redneck, who was Damn Near Renamed to Do Not Resuscitate until fellow Corpus Hasher KUNG FU KERVORKIAN fixed his ticker. On-her to all you wanks!!!

This fricking novel was easy to write because I spent the better part of a year, with the following hashers putting it all together.

Harelip Dog (TXIH Committee) - TXIH coordinator & Hare
Chemo (TXIH Committee)  Hare Raiser, Haberdasher, TXIH RA, & Hare
Cockshot  (TXIH Committee) Haberdasher, Master Beer Bitch, & Hare
Pecker Checker  (TXIH Committee) Registration Queen & Beer Bitch
Twat Did You Say? Beir Meister
Ranger Smurf Trailer Guy & Hare
Rotten Cherry Transportation & Master of Ceremonies
Bi-Valve  (TXIH Committee) Sombrero Stencil Guy, TXIH Elf, & Hare
Lily Von Shtoop Hare
Ear Fucked Hare
Guamarhea Balls (TXIH Committee) Sponsors, Publicity, & Hare
Scuba Steve- TXIH Elf & Beer Bitch
Nice Pair-a-keets TXIH Elf & Beer Bitch
CHIPS TXIH Elf
Rim Raider Beer Bitch & TXIH Elf
Dildo Diva Beer Bitch & TXIH Elf

We couldn’t have done it without your help.

On On to Killeen, Texas, for Texas Interhash 2003!!!

Harelip Dog